i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
