i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
