yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
