we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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