she smelled like a LAN party
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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