Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
