My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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