I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
