It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
