Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
