When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
