oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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