paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
