This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
