you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
