Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
