obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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