If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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