I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
