I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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