If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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