Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just found a bag of teeth...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
