How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
