I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
