So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
