Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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