Everything about him screamed your future.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
