I wish I could punch you in the face.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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