Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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