My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
