hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
