I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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