I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
