The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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