Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
