Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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