I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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