true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
