My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
