soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
