So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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