Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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