You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
