just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
