i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
