we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
