She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
