If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
