that's an acceptable place to lick
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
