i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
